What Is a Sponsor?
A sponsor is a mentor that most folks in early sobriety decide to have - and most people in AA continue to have sponsors for their entire sobriety. They'll show you what a home group does, explain what sobriety means to them, and share their experience in Alcoholics Anonymous with you.
They can help you get sober if you're having trouble with your drinking, but generally sponsorship isn't too helpful for those still drinking. While there's no actual requirement to be sober in AA, and no requirement to be sober to have a sponsor, we find AA works better when you're not drinking.
There are lots of opinions about what qualifies someone to be a sponsor, but here's the truth: there's nothing in the Big Book or the Traditions that lists any qualification criteria. Nobody in AA is paid to be here. We're not professionals or medical doctors. We don't have special qualifications. We're just drunks who got sober working the steps and being in AA, passing that experience on freely to those who want it.
What Makes a Good Sponsor?
My first sponsor had many problems, but I'm convinced he saved my life. He taught me the basics that still serve me today:
- How to shake hands and look people in the eye
- Take service commitments at meetings
- Show up on time (or at all)
- Talk to newcomers
- Just be a member of the fellowship
Obviously, there's more to Alcoholics Anonymous that's arguably more important in the long run - working the steps, building a spiritual life, and all that. But in the beginning, I just needed to be re-socialized. I needed to learn how to be a human being again.
Most folks prefer to be sponsored by someone who shares their gender identity, but that's not really a rule. The main thing is to avoid having a sponsor who you might have a romantic attraction to - that complicates things in ways that don't help your recovery.
What Makes a Bad Sponsor?
Let me start by saying any sponsor is better than no sponsor. If you're having a hard time finding someone you relate to, it might be worth driving 10 or 15 minutes farther to try different meetings and find people with relatable stories who seem to have it together.
Really, there's no harm in asking someone to sponsor you even if they're not the "perfect" sponsor. We all want the perfect sponsor and home group and all this stuff, but in reality, those things are kind of what you make them. If you ask your sponsor for advice and actually follow it, you'll find they tend to be way better sponsors than if you just ignore everything they say.
That said, what makes a bad sponsor? Someone who doesn't really have time to help you out, or isn't doing what they say they're going to do. I was always told to watch people's feet - what they say in meetings and what they do in their personal lives may differ wildly. You want to find somebody who is consistent in both areas.
My second sponsor would always invite me over to dinner at his house, and I got to know his family a lot. I could see that he was actually practicing the principles he was talking about in AA, and that gave me confidence that he was never going to lead me astray or tell me to do something that wasn't going to work. He never did, and I'm grateful for that.
The Most Important Qualification
The most important qualification for a sponsor is simple: someone you're willing to listen to.
You need to follow one person's directions. You don't need to listen to everybody in the meeting. Not everyone has something good to say. Not everyone's worked the steps. Heck, not everyone's actually sober.
By following one person's path, things get way less confusing. You don't have to sort through all the conflicting advice and opinions you'll hear in meetings. Your sponsor becomes your guide through the noise.
How to Actually Find a Sponsor
Here's my practical advice for finding a sponsor in Charlotte AA:
1. Don't wait too long. If you're new, you need a sponsor today. You can always change sponsors if it's not working out. The perfect sponsor doesn't exist, but a good-enough sponsor who's available right now does.
2. Go to some meetings and listen. Look for someone who:
- Seems to know about Alcoholics Anonymous (not just opinions about life)
- Is actually enjoying their life and sobriety
- Is willing to take time to help you get sober
- Will read the Big Book with you
- Will go to meetings with you
3. Ask the simple question: "Do you sponsor anyone?"
People who don't say yes to this question wouldn't be a good sponsor anyway, so don't worry about rejection. The caveat being that some people might not currently sponsor anyone but would be willing - it's worth clarifying if they're open to it. If they're not willing at all, move on and find someone who's actually available.
What to Look For
When you're listening in meetings, pay attention to:
- People who talk about working the steps with their sponsor
- Those who mention sponsoring others
- Members who have what you want (peace, joy, a life worth living)
- Someone with solid sobriety time who still regularly attends meetings
The Bottom Line
You don't need the perfect sponsor. You need someone who has worked the steps, stays sober, and is willing to show you how they did it. In Charlotte, Big Book study meetings are often where you'll find the most people willing and able to sponsor.
Treatment centers and therapists might tell you that your sponsor needs a certain amount of sobriety time or other qualifications. They don't. That's not in any AA literature. A sponsor doesn't even technically have to have worked all the steps - though that's obviously a good recommendation. Really, anybody who's one step ahead of you can help you. Will they be a super effective sponsor? That's certainly up for debate, but sometimes you just need to start somewhere.
Remember: sponsorship isn't a lifetime contract. It's just one drunk showing another drunk how they got sober. Find someone willing to do that, and you're on your way.
Looking for a sponsor? The Huntersville 164 South Group meets every Monday at 7:00 PM at Huntersville UMC, 14005 Stumptown Rd, Huntersville, NC 28078, USA. Many of our members actively sponsor and work with newcomers through the steps.